ameliorist

Swine Flu

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 08:36:43 GMT

scares me....more than it probably should. I have a child of 10 months and an 'underlying medical condition', which means that we're both fairly high risk. Working out statistics at the dead of night makes for scary figures and really shouldn't be entertained in this case. It's usually something that makes me feel better, but working out that if I caught swine flu and had a case bad enough to contact my doctor, then my chances of being dead would be then be 1 in 24 doesn't instil confidence. Of course this is based on a mortality of only 2 British people so far who are in the same boat as me, and that's a sample which is waaaay too small to really consider, plus we don't know if they were also otherwise ill, or how many thousands of people got swine flu and didn't feel a need to contact a doctor....I have 5 friends who have officially been told by their doctor they have had swine flu, and 3 of them didnm't even have any Tamiflu or anything...I almost wish that if we're gonna get it, lets get it over and done with before winter, or before it mnutates and gets stronger. And before it steals any more of my sleep while I punch figures all night in bed...

It scares me most because I'm not usually easily scared.......hahahahaha. I feel I've let myself down...

Camping.....

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 21:51:13 GMT

Donnie has decided to start having a kip of an evening, which is a really nice thing and usually lets me catch up with getting the washing out of the drier etc. Today I'm ahead of myself, so I've read lots of internet and stuff. I feel guilty.

We're going camping IN A CAMPERVAN tomorrow, for the first time in just over a year. The last time I was fairly impressively pregnant, and now I have a 9 month old (exactly on saturday)child with me. The campervan broke down on the way home last time, and came back and sat until we fixed it, and then promptly broke again, and sat again for 9 months until we fixed it the other week. The Cam belt had snapped - something we hadn't noticed thankfully because it spells death, and Euan would have given up and had it taken away and scrapped. As it was, I contacted a friend of ours, who came over with his family for the day and looked, and fixed it. He's made of magic. Apparently, in Cam belt snappage cases, you can retrieve it in about 1/6 engines, otherwise death. We paid him handsomely for his time and travel, and all was great. This weekend we're going away in it for the first time with Don, and Euan is terrified. He genuinely believes it will disintegrate or blow up the minute it leaves the town limits. I don't care, I'm enjoying this camping trip already, the excitement is great, and we have the cash to fix it again should we need to.

We met because of camper vans, we met because of our camper van club, and we met because of camping. We should introduce our child to it quickly, and 9 months is almost too ridiculously old for that. We should be ashamed. Tsk...

Summer, summer, summertime...

Thu, 28 May 2009 20:45:58 GMT

Jeez....and this is me 'using the internet more'......hahaha

I now have a laptop to remove any excuse about having to get up and cross the room to look at the internet - I can even sit on the floor and convince the youngest rugrat that I'm really playing with him despite typing - honest... ;op

Right.....what did I miss?

6 months

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 11:20:47 GMT

Donnie was 6 months last saturday, and I think he read all the baby books because he's chosen since then to be a complete git. The books all say 'easier' after 6 months, and he's laughing at us. He's been awake all night, teething and grumping all evening, won't settle and play in the daytime(he's lying on the desk next to me right now, fenced in by the wall and the keyboard and complaining increasingly loudly), and now he's threatening to crawl. He's refusing to allow a spoon into his mouth in case we hurt him, so he's having to survive on milk and finger foods, which are limited at this age with no teeth. He's discovered 'throwing' and is bowling across the room anything that offends him - which includes anything mushy, and rather than sitting nicely, he now throws himself sideways and then looks at us like we're evil for not being within catching distance. He also stares at us in the mornings until we wake and open our eyes and look at him, at which point he giggles and giggles. God I love him to bits....he's such a little character....

The biggest lad has been on work experience for the last fortnight at the Fire Station - I'd be so proud, but so terrified if he ended up working there. He's thoroughly enjoyed himself, and spent a day fitting smoke alarms, and a day taking his basic first aid certificate (are 3 First Aiders in one household enough do you think? Almost as impressive is the fact that of his 3 best mates one is with a Lawyer, one is with a vet, and one is with his Dad for the fortnight - he has sensible friends any one of which a Mother could be proud!!! It's a dream come true.

Bet we have waaay more trouble when the girls become teenagers...

Smiling

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 17:01:26 GMT

A lot. It's all goodness. I am busy non-stop and feeding hours and hours each day (especially at the moment because Donnie was ill for a week and since last night is feeling better and needs to catch up), but it's all good and our family is going from strength to strength. Jocelyn even gave me a hug this morning when she went into school. This is a 1st, and the politics running through her head have been massively responsible for that. No doubt she won't again for some time, but the once is enough to tide me over for the next 6 months. She must have had a top Christmas.

New Years' resolution is to use the internet more and make time to stay in touch - a baby is no excuse to stop regularly sitting on my arse typing for a while with my feet up.

New Years' NOT resolution is to lose some of the contentment weight I gained over the past 2 years. I am around 50lbs overweight, and although 15-20 suits me, 50 does not.....

I am a milk factory.

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 12:48:46 GMT

Donnie has put on 15ozs in 10 days twice in a row, and was 9lbs 2oz last Monday. I am a milk factory. My nipples smart, I'm drinking about 16 pints of liquid a day and eating and craving all kinds of badness - milky way and mint chocolate aero especially. On the plus side I'm losing weight rapidly and now weigh only 8lbs more than when I got pregnant. Put that on top of the 30lbs overweight I was when I got pregnant and I only have 38lbs to lose to be svelte with huge boobs. In fact, these puppies must weigh a good few pounds each, so maybe I can lose 30lbs and allow the extra 8....hahaha

I'd forgotten just how much time a baby takes up. Except I hadn't. I knew really because I remember with a previous baby being proud I'd managed to do a laundry load during the day. With Donnie I do at least 1 laundry load, wash the pots, sweep the floors and make tea every day - but I do it running, throughout the day in 10 minute bursts, and some days it's hellish. Last night he only woke for 2 hours between 10.30pm and 6.15am so I was well rested, today he has slept for 1 1/2 hours and so I've cleaned the fish tank, washed a 'baby gym' ready for him to lie under, put washing away, wiped the tables, bleached the toilets, and now I feel like I'm twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to wake up - you can't win....My boobs are also fit to burst because he's fed so much in the past 2 weeks and now he dares to take this time out!! :oD

Donald Malachi

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 20:33:18 GMT

Donnie......

After all that, he was 7lbs 7oz. A perfect little ginger headed bundle who arrived 10 days early at 6.51am Saturday 27th September 2008. Told you he was ready to be born.... ;op

Had to go in to hospital because my blood pressure suddenly shot up, but in the end that wasn't an issue because we were lucky enough to have a midwife we already knew, liked and trusted, and my waters went well before I was ready to deliver. Gas & Air for pain relief, no fetal monitoring, controlled calm delivery and no stitches. A friend came and slept here with the kids, who got up in the morning to discover her on the sofa, and had a phone call 10 minutes later telling them about their brother Donnie.....pretty much perfect...

Proud Dad with his son...... :o)

Boy am I knackered now though - he wants to feed every 60 minutes - I'd forgotten about this bit!!........ :oD

Little ratbag.....7lb1oz part 2

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 15:46:22 GMT

After umpteen scans showing gargantuan baby we returned on Monday feeling confident it wouldn't be so big. Indeed, it isn't. In fact, the baby only showed growth of half a pound in 3 weeks. This is unnaturally slow. For goodness sake. It should be around 8lbs and we should be smiling because that's smaller than previous baby, instead it's estimate is 7lb1oz and we're telling ourselves that's great because actually it has grown in leg length and head circumference, it just didn't fatten up as expected, and really it's fine and just ready to be born, honest.

It all means I have to go in for another hospital visit next Monday to check they're still okay about everything and yet another scan a week later, alongside midwife visits each Thursday. My belly will be measured every 3-4 days and any lack of growth will be postulated wildly.

We need to get this baby shifted and out or else ALL of Euans paternity leave will be unpaid - he only has about 4 days holiday left now - and we'll all start fretting and worrying. Hot curry for tea tonight and then we'll sit on the sofa and watch my belly contract with Braxton Hicks practice contractions every 10 minutes until bedtime like we have for the last 3 nights, praying and hoping with crossed fingers that it might just turn into the real thing....I'm even contemplating walking home from the midwife tomorrow, or at least as far as I can before I give in and stop at a bus stop....

In lighter news, any given child in the house wishes the baby to be born while they're there (except 9 year old girl child who doesn't want it at the moment), and they dread leaving. It's amusing me greatly. Waving them off to school they keep looking back and checking I'm not doubled over and wincing. I act it out sometimes just for reaction. Scares the pants off any nearby adults....hahaha

Size of a cow

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 11:03:23 GMT

I really am. I'm huge, and my bump extends right up to under my chesticles, yet the baby is clearly also partly engaged. Hilariously I have a 53" (135cm) waist. How come other women have neat little bumps and I look like a giant ball with little legs and arms sticking out? Now I have a mirror I see myself undressed and I want to laugh every time...... :oD

Delighted as I am that the baby is smaller than predicted, and will hopefully weigh no more than around 7.5-8lbs now, it's still heavy enough, really. Our favourite midwife is working Friday night, and all the kids will be dropped off at other parents' houses, so it'd be kinda handy. I'm thinking a nice hot bath and a sleep during the afternoon, drop off the kids, take away curry, early bed (nudge nudge, wink wink). If only it were that easy...... :op

Realisation dawns

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 12:07:03 GMT

On the way to school this morning I decided to explain to the kids what might happen should I go into labour during the day, and that they should all stay together and walk home if I don't turn up to collect them at home time. Were it not for the neurotic ex-wife who feels 11 is barely old enough to tie your own shoe laces, there's no way I'd be walking them to school now anyway (they're 10, 10 and 9 and it's less than half a mile of quiet roads). Everyone was happy with the idea of walking, and the two 10 year olds were quite excited and asked lots of questions. One of them said "so does this mean you could have the baby next week?". "I could have the baby any time from now on, that's why the midwife came round on Saturday with those drugs". By the time we reached school the 9 year old was beside herself and went and stood in a corner of the playground facing the wall. I sent her sister to find out what was wrong, and she returned saying "I don't know, she didn't say, she just said 'I don't want the baby to be born'". Oh shit. I tried to talk to her, but she didn't want to share, so all I could do was promise that her Dad will discuss it with her tonight.

She's known for 25 weeks, and it only just dawned on her that we really will actually have a baby. I'm a bit gutted because I've been expecting all along that she'd not relish the idea, and yet she's seemed fine. She's been the one pointing out gadgets and clothes in shops, and despite my continued surprise, hasn't become jealous of my bump at all. Until now. Dammit. I thought we'd got away with it.

Most annoying thing now is that I'm so close to giving birth and all the worry that entails that I don't think I can be more than very slightly tolerant, and my gut instinct now is to just say "oh, don't be so daft, it'll all be fine, get over it, go and play". Hopefully by 5pm she'll have formulated some specific worries that her father can answer away to nothing. Or else she may just have to get over it.....

7lbs1oz

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 14:20:42 GMT

Spent 2 hours at A&E on Saturday because one of the girls cut her wrist(accident - really) while at her Mothers. Euan got the phone call full of panic and concern, followed by another slagging me, calling me names, and saying that I couldn't go to the hospital with him, and then another pretty much in the same vein. Spent the first hour or so in the waiting room at A&E as far away as possible from them, yet still fully able to hear the mindless, unwarranted tirade against me and the fact I was there and pregnant, and receiving supportive smiles from everyone else in the room. Then she came over and demanded I go and tell Euan off for 'threatening her'. He said he'd never forgive her previous behaviour, hardly a threat, and no, I didn't chastise him for it. She then chose that moment to tell me "I don't have a problem with you". You could almost feel the waiting room occupants sniggering....Ho hum....

Judging by last weeks scan, baby shouldn't weigh any more than 7lbs1oz today at maximum - this really is excellent news and gives an estimated 'less than 9 1/2lbs' at birth. I have my home birth appointment with the midwife on Thursday, and everything is going to plan....

Self-comforting...

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:35:36 GMT

Massively overdue photos(taken 10 weeks ago!), but here at last......proof of what can be learnt before birth:

If you stick out your tongue far enough -

You may just find what you are looking for -

Immunity

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 11:19:26 GMT

Being pregnant, especially heavily pregnant, is the one time in a woman's life that she is immune from people calling her fat. It's the time you cannot calorie count, it's a time when growth is good and you are allowed to enjoy your blossoming belly and outgrowing your clothes. It should be safe haven, time off.

When I had my first child, although they weighed you each clinic visit, they didn't even tut if you'd gained another 5lbs and your overall gain was 3 or 4 stone. My midwife even used to say 'an extra stone for each baby'. It's clear that this wasn't really the best rule of thumb to follow, but it was accepted, and it was accepted that general weight gain would be around 3 stone overall.
This time round I'm bombarded with adverts for diets that I can start as soon as my baby has been born, and all of the magazines tell me I should look to gain an average of 21 lbs over my whole pregnancy - when you take into consideration placenta and umbilical cord, extra few pints of blood, engorged uterus, waters and 7 1/2 lb average baby it's an even sum. You are no longer regularly weighed by your midwife or hospital staff, so no-one commends you if you only gain this tiny amount of weight, but you are judged on what you weigh when you first arrive. The hospital staff make comments, it's marked in bold in your notes, and referred to again and again like some sort of punishment. I was 3 stone overweight at my initial appointment (I had already gained 7lbs during my first 16 weeks of pregnancy), I've now gained an extra stone on top, so 'by the book', I'm done. It's a scary thing.

I don't want to gain 3 stone, I should have lost weight before I got pregnant, and I know I was naughty and overweight, but I always have been.

All that considered, I should be immune, I shouldn't have eaten salad every day for lunch last week, and I should look at my big belly and smile. And every cell in my brain tells me that I should not feel pleased that I lost 3 lbs over the last 2 weeks.....

Hurrah!

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 11:06:08 GMT

The baby has stopped growing at a rate of knots and is now expanding more acceptably. The scan today showed it at around 4lbs, which is 1lb heavier than usual, and still plots as a 10lb baby, but if it keeps up the slower rate, it might even be 9 1/2lbs and I can have it at home......hurrah, hurrah, hurrah......

Otherwise, I managed to have backwards results on my glucose test. My fasting sugar level was higher than the level 2 hours after I drank the syrup. But both results were low and dandy. Clearly I'm not diabetic then....

Against my entire normal behaviour we went out and bought bedroom furniture yesterday that came to £910. I feel so naughty, but it's gorgeous, and will last a lifetime, and we can pretend we had to get it for the baby, and besides, the lads wardrobes had imploded, and it is gorgeous, and it'll last forever....Shhhhhh......

Science Fiction Double Feature

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:55:20 GMT

I'm officially back to my previous state of being "a woman who is very good at growing large babies", as all my test results were perfectly normal and I don't have a hint of diabetes or any unusual reaction to sugar. It's supremely preferable to the alternative....alas it doesn't reduce the size of the baby any. My next scan to assess size is on Monday. Judging by averages, if it's 4lbs on Monday, they'd expect it to be approx 10lbs at birth, which would be the limit to me having a planned home/natural birth unless I can induce it early enough......I'm intending to spend all of September excercising, squatting, shagging and, if necessary, drinking raspberry leaf tea (bleurghh).

In other news I've been to the cinema twice in the last week! It's grand! I can just manage 2 hours if I'm careful with my back during the day, take a coat to use as a lumbar support and get up to go for a wee/wander round during the second hour. We went to see Hancock on Thursday, and took all the kids to see Wall-E on Saturday. Euan and I are going again to see Donkey Punch later this week because we have 5 days where all the kids are away. It's a whole new world. It's like going out or something.... :o)

War

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 09:18:10 GMT

What is it good for.....

Boring baby bit follows:

Had horrendous pains just over a week ago. I'd been to the midwife on the Thursday and said I felt great, which I think was my hex. By 7pm that evening I could barely lounge without agony. That night and the next day I was suffering so badly with shooting pains through my abdomen and the tops of my legs that I started timing them just in case (they weren't regular), and it was so painful I looked up my childs chance of survival vaguely hoping I might even be in labour to get it over with. I did my best to carry on, and did the school run and the cooking/cleaning etc, and tried to pretend it really wasn't that bad so as not to worry Euan. I can honestly say I've never been even close to so much pain during any pregnancy except when in labour. All the while I was confident the baby was unaffected, because it carried on doing its own thing completely as before. I decided that it must be pressing badly on a nerve, and spent as much time as I could stand 'on all fours' trying to move the bugger. By Saturday lunch the belly pain was gone, replaced by rib pain and backache. I felt like I had a tremendously constricting and overlong boned corset on, which prevented me moving or bending, and stabbed into my armpits, buttocks and legs all the while. I also felt battered and bruised, like I had been beaten all around the torso. Again, the baby seemed just fine, and it was in no way scary like the belly pain, but prevented me sleeping and having any comfort. By Monday I just had the backache,(which I still have 8 days later, although much reduced), but my bra didn't fit at all, it wasn't even close to fastening or meeting in the middle. I was really careful all week to only do what I needed to do, so I was braless until this last Sunday when we visited a giant Mothercare. My ribcage expanded by 4 inches in 4 days. 4 inches. 4 whole inches. I've never known such a thing happen to anyone else. It's no wonder I was in agony.

It's also a bit daunting given that it happened in the 4 days following being told my baby was already huge.

*Boring baby bit over - mostly*

On Saturday we bought a pushchair from a lovely elderly couple in a little shop nearby. They had an advertised 'Silver Cross Event', and when we got there the entire shop was smaller than our living room, and they didn't want us to touch anything because they probably only sell 4 pushchairs a month and any breakages would kill their profits. Bless em. Their price was the best though, and they'll ring when it arrives and train us in 'how it works'. Sunday I had to get maternity bras so found a Mothercare we could drive to and decided to make a day of it and go to the Imperial War Museum nearby and eat out. In Mothercare we spent a good hour playing with the same pushchair we'd just bought, dismantling it completely and reassembling at our leisure, and the kids got to read all of the display books.

The museum is good, they've spent a lot of effort making it different, and the focal point of this is the main huge gallery space which shows a 20 minute film every hour on the walls, giving 1st person accounts of life during war throughout modern history. Many of the individuals who are shown and heard are children and young people from Rwanda, Yugoslavia, Afganistan, Kuwait, Bosnia, Ireland etc. We only had 2 children with us, but neither of them moved at all throughout the entire film. Afterwards my daughter said that if she "lived in a war", she was glad she was a girl and wouldn't have to fight.
There was a big section devoted to 'Horrible Histories', with smelly things and tales of lice and plague, and at the end, a wall where children especially were encouraged to state their thoughts on why 'war should never be forgotten'. A grown up had written a card saying "we didn't fight in 2 world wars to forget who we are. Don't be afraid to be proud to be British...." etc etc. He was basically saying that war was necessary and overall a good thing, and that the museum wasn't doing a good enough job of glorifying those who fought. He was clearly unhappy with the concept that we should not forget, so as not to repeat. I couldn't help thinking it was all a bit sad he would feel like that, and that he'd missed the points being made entirely, and that maybe the museum should have aimed the film at an older generation, and that maybe my children could explain that we appreciate what he gave, but lets try not to do it again......

Gigantic

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:43:06 GMT

A big, big love....

It's all true. My baby is immense. The midwife did things like 'exclaim' and 'chuckle' and hold her head in her hands. I'm 26 weeks 2 days and I measure 29 1/2 weeks. This is already the difference between 1lb11oz and 2lb9oz, and if it continues baby will be around 11lbs. The midwife genuinely believes it's likely to be 10 1/2 at least. Good news is that everything else is tip top and perfect! No swelling, excellent blood pressure and weight gain, baby is fantastically active and it's heart rate is lovely. Just the fact that it will be born fitting 3-6 month clothes then.......*shudders at thoughts of early induction or caesarean*

In other news it's soooooooo great to have money again. I love the whole thing of going shopping with a list that doesn't mention maximum allowances for spending on each item, and being able to just pick things up when I fancy is cool. I've bought everyone some new clothes in the various sales, in the vague hope that I can cause Euan to feel envy and make him go and buy some trousers that fit! It's like stepping out with Mick Jagger, his jeans are so tight. When he's wearing his tightest trousers he's developed that 'swagger' which I realise now means "oh my God, if I don't undo this top button in a minute I'll pass out" and "I can't actually walk in any other way because there isn't enough material around my thighs to allow for free movement". There comes a point in any mans life when he won't fit in a 30inch waistband any longer, and denying it for too long may be hilarious, and an excellent method of home sterilisation, but really, no. I don't fit in age 14 clothes any more, I had to come to terms with that a couple of decades ago, he's been damned lucky as far as I can tell.......and as for his weight gain being my fault, pah! That's nothing compared to the size he's made me.... :oD

Photogenic

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 12:47:12 GMT

After refusing to allow the sonographer to get any decent photos at my 20 week scan we returned today with what appears to have been the most accommodating unborn baby in the world. Apparently they must take decent shots of head, belly, heart, fingers and toes etc, so we were recalled in the hopes it might lie still and take its hands away from its chest. We now have stunning shots of it sticking out its tongue, fully extending its legs, and sucking it's thumb (or the pad of its hand, you can't really tell) taken over a 1 minute period. It knows, I'm telling you, it knows....

We also were then called in to see the consultant, which was a complete shock, and informed that we'll be going back for more photos at 30 weeks, 34 and 38 weeks. He claims this is all standard, and because my previous babies were 7 1/2, 8 1/2 and 9 1/2 lbs in that order. He genuinely did state this as if he expects the next one to be 10 1/2 lbs. This baby does already measure big, about a week larger than it should be. He also wrote in big letters on my notes that I want a home birth, and as long as my baby isn't gargantuan, and nothing else untoward occurs, still can't see why this won't be possible. It's all good really (if a little overbearing considering we've done all of this several times before and never got this much attention).

I'll post a link to the photos once we've scanned them in...... :oD

Closure

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:17:12 GMT

It appears to all be going to plan. At 11am my account showed the usual £100 or so, I went to watch the kids do a fun run and when I got home at 12.25pm it showed £37,100 or so.

I've so far celebrated by going to the local shop and buying a £2.99 bunch of flowers, some cheese and brown bread rolls, and a cinnamon whirl.

I've rehearsed this time in my mind for so long, and so thoroughly, yet I was never so damned tired, and I never felt so small and alone in such a big house. I imagined ringing round paying off credit cards and loans, when in truth I can't because they aren't mine, and no-one will give me closing balances. I imagined paying the money into Euans bank to clear the overdraft, but I don't actually know how much is needed. I imagined rushing to the aquatics shop to restock the fish tank, or going into town to buy some maternity clothes. I thought I'd be straight out to somewhere swish where I could justify wearing mascara and flouncing.

Truth is, I'm too tired to even feel a wish to ring people and tell them it's over, I don't want to go anywhere, I've already been out once today. I've spent all week preparing the house and garden for a landlord visit (this morning, everything was immaculate), and at 6pm I have to squeeze myself behind the wheel of my van and drive 160 miles to fetch my daughter.

Nope, it'll have to wait. Today I will be celebrating by eating my cinnamon whirl and then going to sleep on the sofa until school pick up time.

Unposted

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:03:54 GMT

I just found this unposted, I didn't 'submit'. I don't know if I forgot on purpose or accidentally...

8.15am Friday morning, 6th June 2008

Today is the day that I should finally get closure in my house situation. I've been told that the money is with the solicitor and will be deposited into my account at 9.30am today.
I've been lied to regularly by my ex, who I think has been in turn lied to by his girlfriend, they have both certainly been the clients of an incompetent solicitor. I've had heartburn that has given me days unable to eat properly despite drinking pints of milk and gaviscon. I've spent night after night awake and restless. I've argued with Euan, who has also lost his temper with me due to my perceived trust in my ex, and disbelief at what he suggests. Most worryingly my blood pressure has measured 'high average' for the first time in my life, it is usually at the bottom of the 'low average' scale, and even relatively low when pregnant. Last night the baby and I were both awake all night, a restless stressed baby is never a good thing, and makes me feel quite guilty. Today was my 'D' day, my limit. I have taken legal advice, I have written to their solicitor and stated my position, and I have called his office to demand a concrete date for completion each day this week. Possibly this has worked. If the money does not appear in my account today then I write and say I quit. I rescind all offers and agreements and cannot continue with any sale or negotiation as my health and that of my unborn child are now both at measurable risk.

The emotions throughout the last 4 1/2 months have been mainly frustration and annoyance. I've been disappointed that my ex is so prepared to lie to me and allow his children to suffer, and I've had times when I've been very sad, I never thought that this situation would make Euan so upset with me and my actions. I've attempted to remain calm and not lose my temper, and this has resulted in me appearing a fool and an easy target. Today it occurs to me that I've spent so much time worrying and waiting, desperately wanting this to happen, that I haven't considered how I'd feel when it actually does. I feel a great sense of loss. I loved that house. I was massively proud when I managed to buy it, it was bigger than most of my friends' houses, with a great huge garden and off-road parking. The local schools were great, and yet our income was significantly lower than just about anyone I knew. I was very smart with money, and we ended up living in a house worth 125k, on an income of only 16k. It made me very proud. I used the money my Grandpa left me as deposit, and so in reality, I have turned his 7k in 2000 into 37k in hand in 2008.

It strikes me now that this is my final break from my old life. This is me saying goodbye to everything I ever had down there, and letting go of my safety net. I thought giving up my jobs, moving my children to a different school and home 80 miles away, leaving my daughter behind and letting someone else move into my home were the commitment. I knew that using a huge proportion of the cash to pay off Euans debts was a huge commitment to him and to our future. I now I realise that the real commitment is losing any chance of ever returning. Today is far bigger than I had anticipated. I haven't felt so sick in years.

Prison

Wed, 21 May 2008 10:12:00 GMT

Euan and I went out once.

That's it, that's the story. Actually we've been out about 5 times all together I think.

We've been so poor now since February and beyond, that I haven't left this house for anything more exciting than a school meeting in many months. We had the weekends camping in February and April, which were really nice, but seem like distant and rare memories, and I didn't get to wear anything more lovely than big coats and jumpers. The last time I went out in the evening was October 2007 when we went to see Dnevnoy dozor and then had a meal, and we went 10 pin bowling one saturday morning in November to celebrate my 2 youngest childrens' birthdays. It occurred to me a couple of days ago that I have almost missed the boat, and I'm mourning my lost opportunities at the minute. It's too late for ice skating, bowling or anything strenuous, I wouldn't enjoy dancing or clubbing as my sides ache too much. I can barely sit still for 2 hours any longer, so the cinema is looking unlikely, and I'm already unable to eat a full meal in comfort, and certainly suffer afterwards regardless. I was bought a gorgeous necklace and earrings for my birthday last November, yet I've never worn them because I've never had any opportunity.

I know I'm winging, I really do, and if I was just poor then I would be more likely to get on with it and shut up, but all the time I'm aware I'm paying half a mortgage on a house I don't live in and am gaining nothing from, and I am waiting to be paid off to clear all of the debts and get back to a normal life. I know that I should have been paid by the end of February, and every day gets harder and more frustrating. I've watched the baby equipment shop up the road have a 75% off sale and shut down, I'm still wearing clothes that don't fit with big jumpers over the top to hide it, I still owe my sister and my children money, and I'm about to take yet another schoool holiday week where I can not afford to treat the children. I was this poor before, when I was 18 and bombproof, and didn't have a multitude of small mouths to feed. It was all fine back then, and I always had enough cash for fags and booze, so maybe I genuinely was comparatively better off than I have been just now.

Next week we go away with the children to Scotland. I'm really looking forward to it, yet the 3 hour drive scares me so much that I can't relax until after that. I know I won't manage it in one hit, and I think 3 will be my minimum, with 2 long breaks. I can't drive late at night because I'm too tired, so we have to leave Saturday morning instead of Friday night. I can barely fit behind the steering wheel in my van, so the seat is back and I have to stretch to reach the pedals. I've always had to lean over sideways to reach the handbrake, and that is now painful, time-consuming and awkward. Had I been paid my money the first thing we'd have bought was an 8-seater van, and I wouldn't have to drive at all. We also don't have an awful lot of cash to take with us, so it's going to be a minimalist holiday, and there will be no treats or day trips out anywhere more exciting than 'free'. The weather forecast is, naturally, grim.

I've been promised my cleared cash on 30th May, or alternatively the following Monday. I'll believe it when I see it. If I don't see it then I will demand we start again because it'll be too late to piss me off any further or take any more from me. I will instruct a solicitor and demand a re-valuation of the property. I will also demand I'm paid rental on my half until a settlement is reached, and I will expect proper child maintenance for my children. Every week this continues loses me £125 (lost interest on spare capital, interest payments on debts and my 50% of the mortgage and associated costs). I originally agreed to it in order to let them get back on their feet and so that no-one could accuse me of being mean, now I'm looking a fool and a mug.

As soon as I get my cash I'm going out. I have no idea where, or what I'll do, but I will go out, and it won't be to school or the supermarket or the hospital, it'll be somewhere fun where I can feel special and smile at people and wear my best jacket.

Solicitors

Wed, 14 May 2008 14:19:04 GMT

must be born with a sneer and a long greasy fringe.

My ex genuinely seems to be bored with waiting to get rid of my presence in his home, and I'm losing £125 per week while I wait for my £36k, and there's no reason why it hasn't all happened. The only hold up is the fact that the solicitor hasn't pulled his finger out and got on with it. What a dick.

Still, it's gorgeous weather out there and half term holiday is around the corner.......... :o)

Up the junction

Thu, 01 May 2008 10:48:27 GMT

The baby has reached the satisfying stage whereby I feel it if I lean forward. It's a solidness inside, a reminder of my condition, and prevents me leaning as far as beforehand when I'm doing my shoe laces and stuff. I have also been feeling it move for the past couple of weeks, and feel it regularly now, not just pokes and kicks, but I feel it writhing and turning inside me if I'm lying down or sitting with my feet up. It sounds freaky, but it really is one of the most special things and makes me smile every time. The children are all eager to feel it move, and are talking to it in some kind of competition, desperate to be the one whose voice it recognises the most when it is born....

Charts and Statistics

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 08:56:43 GMT

I hate the fact that everything is so damned computerised now. In 1999 I was just a woman who was very good at growing large babies, but in 2008 I am a high risk candidate for pregnancy diabetes.

It apparently doesn't matter that I had negative urine sugar tests every 2 weeks in the 3rd trimester of my previous pregnancies, weighed exactly the same when I got pregnant with no.3, and I had three text book pregnancies. Nope, this time a chart places me in a 'red' section, so I have to expect the possibility, and the midwife pretty much assumed that I just went undiagnosed with my previous children.

(The hospital have requested my presence for a 3 hour glucose tolerance test in 12 weeks time. It's a logistical nightmare. I have to be there at 8am. How do the other 4 children get up and ready and get to school? Presumably Euan is expected to take a half day off work to sort them out, but still won't even be at the hospital with me).

If I turn out to have diabetes at any point in this pregnancy then I'll be delighted they spotted it and I'm not complaining about the care I'm receiving, but I think it's scary they don't look at me as an individual, and see my 3 successful previous outcomes, they just see that my babies weights were increasingly high and my weight is high, and make assumptions about my previous care being inadequate, and label me a high risk.

Finally

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 09:13:59 GMT

Yesterday we finally got the Family Tax Credit (Tax rebate due to having children living with you)to which we are entitled. From now on we get £70 a week instead of 30, but we have to wait until we've received, signed and returned a declaration of income for 2007-2008 before we can get the back pay from September 1st 2007-April 2008. We've already ordered the Playstation 3 and GTA bundle pack, and decided on a take-away for Saturday night. After the last 11 weeks of abject poverty it's a great, great thing.

My ex is now taking us seriously and everything is in place for him to buy me out within the next 2-4 weeks. This will leave me in the bizarre position of having many thousands of pounds in the bank which I don't want to waste, and which will one day serve as deposit on a house. Any good ideas about how to safely store and possibly foster this money gratefully received. It will also remove all debt and make us approximately £450 per month better off.

Money, eh. It's like busses. You spend months home-baking every single meal from scratch and then everyone turns up to pay you at the same time.....

One baby, and I was 16 weeks pregnant yesterday. I am the size of a house, yet fortunately have only gained 6lbs so far. Several people are convinced at my second scan they'll find a second baby that is playing a thus far successful game of hide and seek. I have another appt this afternoon to 'book into hospital'. As I'm intending on a home birth, and this appointment stops me seeing my midwife this month, it all seems a bit mad. Still, fingers crossed they'll finally take my blood and let me have iron tablets - it'd be nice to be able to walk upstairs without needing a sit down to get my breath back afterwards!

In other news I find that my partner didn't speak up when it was implied that making me pregnant could have made him sad. That makes me very sad, and I'm glad I didn't know about it at the time. After the weekend just gone and his pride at showing me off to everyone, I know he doesn't feel like that. Judas......tsk....